The Ides of June

How devastating to think that it is June 15th already. Where did the summer go, I ask? Maybe the several weeks of rain had something to do with it. Ironically enough, however, during the time that I should have been out riding jet skies, going paint-balling and enjoying other outdoor activities, the weather did not permit it. However today, on the Ides of June, right when the sun decided to come out and play, I find myself indoors - staring at a computer screen - and trying to catch up on homework assignments. I guess I spent so much time boycotting against the weather that I forget to stay on track with school. Thank you very much Mother Nature, I really appreciate it.

One might ask why the Ides of June is significant? Others may simply seek to know why I am fusing about it. Unfortunately there is no clear answer. The middle of June is both exciting and weird simultaneously. On the one hand, the weather is great and taste of summer is so vibrant it can salivate the mouth similar to Pavlov's Dogs. Yet, the end of summer also approaches. As succulent as summer may taste at the moment, the bittersweet reality of "educational slavery" becomes nearer. 5 classes, 2 jobs, and countless head aches becomes nearer. Sleep deprivation is close to and I can almost hear my alarm clock going off already - something I have not used in months....

Seasonal Affect Disorder

As I sit in my double wide chair, supported by a 7.52$ piece of plywood bought at Home Depot, the rain furthers my frustration. One of the springs broke on my chair. Sad story, really. It's 13 years old and I can't let it go. Anyway, the darn thing would have never erroded if I haven't spent so much time in it. This rain has really done a number in on furniture. Furthermore, this inability to play outside has lead me to go on a video game binge. This is a sad story too. I'm 23 years old with more video games than a spoiled preteen. Yet, still, I find myself bored. Dwelling in the sorry of the dark clouds and praying for sunshine.
I have to go on vacation, something tells me I need too. The summer is burning away quicker than gas in a pick up truck and I'm stuck sitting on my now overly stiff chair. Another sad story. So sad, I'm doing homework ecstatically and tricking myself into thinking that the rain is a good thing - as it will keep me inside and focused on my work. Well bull shit, lol. That worked the for the first 3 weeks of rain but now its getting a little redundant, monotonous even. In layman's terms, this rain is played out and its time for a new gig.
Until then however, my continual indulgence in take-out, video games and pay-per-view presses onward - all in an effort to fight this seasonal affect disorder....

A Self Examination

I have realized that I am a very “in the moment” person. I wasn’t always this way, but I guess the stressors of graduate school have shifted my personality somewhat. This self-realization, however, should not be confused with the notions of instant gratification, but rather associated with my feelings toward the graduate school experience overall. To be more specific, I find myself to be extremely ecstatic when classes, hw, and placement are in order; conversely, however, if I am not happy with a grade I receive (this is rare), have a bunch of hw hanging over my head that needs to be completed (all the time), and feel uncertain as to how I am perceived at my placement and office job, I find myself extremely overwhelmed. It’s almost as if I am literally on a balance beam, trying to focus and walk to my destination without falling. If nothing major pops up, my journey across the beam is manageable – hard, but still manageable. Yet, sometimes I feel like the smallest things can disrupt my overall attitude and have the ability to occupy the majority of my focus. It’s really kind of weird to be honest about it. Definitely new.

Apparently I am fixated on trying to be perfect. In fact, I may even be a perfectionist! Upon further reflection, I feel like I just may be a little bit too hard on myself. It’s funny though, I feel like I can help others embrace their accomplishments yet I sometimes lack the capacity to do so. Ironic, isn’t it? I think so. Especially when I use these techniques every week while at placement. I know I am not the only one with this problem though. I am fully aware that even “shrinks” have “shrinks”. Still, I digress.

I have learned throughout my graduate encounters that becoming a social worker requires the ability to be open to learn not only about others, but about ourselves. As the primary tool of a social worker is one’s self, I find it impossible to be honorable in this profession without significant self-examination. We have to understand ourselves, how we work, what we love, what hate, and so on and so forth, in order to provide adequate care to our clients. We have to understand our turn-offs and turn-on’s and be able to place those things aside (not forget them!) in order to work with our clients in an unbiased manner. In essence, we as social workers will not be able to effectively “take our jackets off” and be at one with our clients without acknowledging what needs to be taken off in the first place. This is only my opinion, of course, but I stand by it.

In consideration of the aforementioned statements, I find it necessary to use the journal entry assignment as a place to get my rambling thoughts on paper. It grants me the ability to get in tune with myself, and subsequently, I am able to adjust my attitude and behavior when necessary. What I discuss here isn’t typical, but let’s be honest, who the f*** knows what typical is nowadays anyway?