A Self Examination

I have realized that I am a very “in the moment” person. I wasn’t always this way, but I guess the stressors of graduate school have shifted my personality somewhat. This self-realization, however, should not be confused with the notions of instant gratification, but rather associated with my feelings toward the graduate school experience overall. To be more specific, I find myself to be extremely ecstatic when classes, hw, and placement are in order; conversely, however, if I am not happy with a grade I receive (this is rare), have a bunch of hw hanging over my head that needs to be completed (all the time), and feel uncertain as to how I am perceived at my placement and office job, I find myself extremely overwhelmed. It’s almost as if I am literally on a balance beam, trying to focus and walk to my destination without falling. If nothing major pops up, my journey across the beam is manageable – hard, but still manageable. Yet, sometimes I feel like the smallest things can disrupt my overall attitude and have the ability to occupy the majority of my focus. It’s really kind of weird to be honest about it. Definitely new.

Apparently I am fixated on trying to be perfect. In fact, I may even be a perfectionist! Upon further reflection, I feel like I just may be a little bit too hard on myself. It’s funny though, I feel like I can help others embrace their accomplishments yet I sometimes lack the capacity to do so. Ironic, isn’t it? I think so. Especially when I use these techniques every week while at placement. I know I am not the only one with this problem though. I am fully aware that even “shrinks” have “shrinks”. Still, I digress.

I have learned throughout my graduate encounters that becoming a social worker requires the ability to be open to learn not only about others, but about ourselves. As the primary tool of a social worker is one’s self, I find it impossible to be honorable in this profession without significant self-examination. We have to understand ourselves, how we work, what we love, what hate, and so on and so forth, in order to provide adequate care to our clients. We have to understand our turn-offs and turn-on’s and be able to place those things aside (not forget them!) in order to work with our clients in an unbiased manner. In essence, we as social workers will not be able to effectively “take our jackets off” and be at one with our clients without acknowledging what needs to be taken off in the first place. This is only my opinion, of course, but I stand by it.

In consideration of the aforementioned statements, I find it necessary to use the journal entry assignment as a place to get my rambling thoughts on paper. It grants me the ability to get in tune with myself, and subsequently, I am able to adjust my attitude and behavior when necessary. What I discuss here isn’t typical, but let’s be honest, who the f*** knows what typical is nowadays anyway?